Love, relationships and the heart break diet!

As I am a family lawyer I spend a lot of time listening to people's relationship problems. Within a few months of doing this job I realised that everyone's relationships are different and what we are all striving for is the same thing... to be able to be with someone who will not let us down but will also support us in everything we do. Along with that however are the expectations of relationships from films and tv. We see celebrities walking hand in hand in blissful love within a few days of meeting each other and our view of what real love is meant to be is immediately distorted.

We are told that we are supposed to be constantly in lust with each other, never argue and if we do end the argument surrounded by broken plates we should find ourselves in each others arms once again realising the importance of our love. The reality however is very different. If you have got to the stage of broken plates it will take weeks to get over. One or both of you will resent each other for letting it get to that stage and one or both of you will resent the other for making you give in! It was an important point you were making... certainly important enough for you to lose your mind over... I mean in what other circumstances would someone irritate you so much that you would consider breaking china?...and yet an hour later you have apologised and told your loved one that you were just being silly after all! Unless of course you have got to the stage where you actually know in your mind that you are in the wrong and probably should have not let it get out of control but you can't seriously back down now without looking like a freak so it is likely you are just going to have to stick with it till the other person can take no more of your stupidity and will just accept it.

When client's come into my office there are 4 types of people I see; the angry hurt ones, the devastated ones who can't eat or sleep, the ones who have moved on and are already having a baby with their new partner who happens to be their old partner's best friend and finally and perhaps the scariest type of all...the ones who have lost all sense of rational. These people are normally very sane and capable human beings who have lived their lives without so much as an embarrassing moment but faced with the reality of heart break and rejection become the opposite of their former selves. As the months go on you watch as they start their own healing process which normally starts with hoping that their ex will come back even though they haven't even looked behind them. It continues with hatred and paranoia. Their ex is sleeping with everyone and even their lawyer (me) is probably on the side of their ex! Followed by an intense case of lunacy. It starts with the lawyer of the ex writing to me and telling me to ask my client to stop text messaging their client. Followed by the next letter accusing your client of shouting abuse in the street which then escalates to the client sending tempting sexual text messages to lure the ex back into their arms and away from the new partner to finally being told that the lawyer for the other side will be issuing an injunction to keep my client away as they have tried to run their ex and new partner down in the street in her renault megane or have sent a dead snake through the letter box.

The question is what brings us all to this level of stupidity in matters of the heart? How is it that a relationship failing with one person in our lives can makes us feel that the world has ended and that someone is standing on our chest and stopping us from breathing? How can our brains which functioned normally when we were together with that person end up filled with thoughts of that person as soon as they leave? And WHY on earth can we manage to live on nothing but fresh air when we are heart broken but when we are happy in relationships find it impossible not to scoff our faces with donuts or crisps? The heartbreak diet remains a mystery to me... why when we are so unhappy does the one thing that we have always wanted happen...? We get thin! And why does it happen when we can't enjoy it? As we try and force ourselves to swallow food to stop ourselves from feeling nauteous why is it all such an effort when a few weeks earlier we were eating non stop and watching our increasing waist lines unable to control our gluttony!? My thinnest times are always my saddest and yet when I am relatively happy I am striving to be thin... oh one of the great ironies of life?

The other great mystery of heart break is how are we not totally dehydrated from our tears? Where do they all come from as our grief stricken bodies curl up regularly throughout the day to cry as though we are in physical pain? And also why does it feel like physical pain which is totally unbearable and for which the only relief is sleep? When you finally do get to sleep from pure exhaustion of no food, energy wasted on plans to get the partner back or get revenge on them and all those tears you then find yourself waking up early having only managed about 2 hours sleep whilst you dream of your ex.

At the start of any break up you watch your client change as sanity disappears and bitterness or depression sets in. Believe me as people go I have an amazing ability to sympathise with people... I immediately take my client's side and believe all they tell me. But in their bid to rid themselves of blame for the break up they sell themselves as perfect people which I soon realise they are not. We are all capable of hurting our partners but the reality is that most of the time people it seems to me just forget to concentrate on their relationships. When we first meet someone the early days are filled with thoughts of that person and the relationship. As everyday life kicks in and you realise the person you have been with has lots of faults and possibly is not nice all the time and has smelly feet or gets unattractive spots on their bum from time to time you realise that they are not as perfect as you thought they were in the early days. For most people these days this realisation leads to discontentment followed by pure resentment and dislike. It is only when the relationship breaks down that they think hmmm maybe they were lovely after all.... maybe I didn't realise it all till it's too late. Before you know it you are back to stage one where you are thinking of them all the time and wondering where it all went wrong. Unfortunately the other person is normally relieved to be away from all the criticism and is in the grips of someone else who is thinking of them all the time....love and relationships are complicated things!

The good thing about my job is that you see people at their worst. I don't mean I like seeing people in pain but it is interesting to watch the human condition and realise that on a basic level we are all the same. You watch them as they crumble and take it all out on you... and this is when you really know you are doing your job! I often say to client's if you feel like ranting and raving call me and tell me I'm to blame rather than sending a package of dog poo through the post and being arrested for it. I don't take it personally. I have had client's hang up on me and call me every name under the sun. But when the divorce is over and the finances are sorted and the person has moved on normally realising that their ex was wrong for them after all you see them in the street and they look completely sane again. They are no longer brandishing their mobile phones ready to text 67 messages to their ex partner imploring them to return and followed by abusive texts about their mother when they get no response. They are getting on with their lives as though nothing has happened and for them maybe life will always be different and they will always have a sense that people will let them down but for the majority of them life goes on with a semblance of normality. I on the other hand may listen for months to their moaning and grievances and memories of their gymnastic style sex life with an understanding look on my face whilst thinking not only have I heard this all before but nothing shocks me and sometimes wondering do they ever leave my office and think hmmm I wonder how Clare is? She looks a bit tired or sad.... because no to them I could be a stuffed toy gorilla sitting in a chair nodding and consoling them... it really wouldn't matter! They just need me to be on their side and if they think I may be wavering in loyalty they need me as the person they can take their frustration out on! Break ups hurt but they are a reality of life... you can lose your sanity and make a fool of yourself every day during it but no one will judge you because we have all been there and we could all be back there at any time!

Electric nights!

The first flat I had on my own was a small studio loft conversion. It was charming in its basicness... it had a coin operated electricity box in the kitchen which regularly got the pound coins stuck in it and I would be left with no electricity all night until I could ring the landlord... who I might add regularly ignored me. Eventually when he did ring me back the instructions were intricate and long winded. This involved applying WD40 with a cotton bud. This worked with amazing results. The coins slid in with ease and the lights were restored.

Little did I know that this was a time when electricity for me was easy! Never have I had it so easy! The next flat I had was a one bedroom flat with separate kitchen, bathroom and a living room. I was really moving up in the world particularly when I opened my first electricity account in my own name with Powergen. I noticed that within a few months I was getting lots of bills of different amounts each month but as I had a direct debit set up I thought nothing of it. I was paying every month so there would be no problem. Oh how could I have been so foolish? Eventually people started to call from Powergen asking for money. I would calmly explain I was paying by direct debit each month and therefore owed nothing. By the 3rd week of these regular phone calls my patience was waning. Funny thing is I don't honestly know how I stayed so patient. I imagine it was purely because I knew the payments were leaving my account. I was in the right there was nothing for me to fear!

As time went on the phone calls became nastier and were followed by letters threatening court proceedings and final notices. Eventually my evenings were spent with my temper rising as I read the letters and waited on the phone in a queue to speak to an advisor in India or some other far off place. One evening as the sheer frustration welled inside me like a volcano simmering before eruption I waited on the phone for 3 hours to speak to an advisor. I thought about hanging up many times in the 3 hours but instead I refused to let it beat me. My heart beat got louder and quickened with every passing second and my face was getting brighter and hotter as I listened to Sade over and over on the recorded message. Never have I liked that woman's voice crooning since. Instead of being easy listening it drives me to a state of insanity! My leg started to shake as it did in exams and I started to have imaginary conversations in my head with the call operative. I decided in my hysteria that they personally were controlling my electricity supply! I hated them already. I was ready for war. The armour was there, the passion was lit, all I needed now was an opponent I could battle.

"The offices are now closed, please ring back on Monday to Saturday between the hours of 8am and 8pm." I heard this interrupt the smooth, dulcit tones of Sade but could not believe what I was hearing. Had my anger caused me to halucinate? Was I hearing things? I listened as the message repeated itself! 3 HOURS, 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER GET BACK! And now, now(!) the office was closed! I threw my phone to the floor and burst into hysterical sobs as I had no one else to argue with! How could they do this? How could they leave me with everything unsaid! I would have to start again tomorrow. I would wait ALL DAY if I had to! I would speak to someone and that person alone would be made responsible.

Another similar night followed. Feeling exhausted on the 3rd night I phoned. Weary and broken down I eventually got a nasally voice answer the phone "Powergen - How can I help you?" Voice shaking with anger and exhaustion I started to explain the situation. Suddenly the lady butted in and her voice had changed from a sing song voice to a woman abused or personally insulted. She informed me that I had 5 accounts open in the one property. Frustrated and whiny voice from me responded "Why would I do that? I have one flat, one account with you and one direct debit that I pay for each month". A short sharp reply followed " You can't just go round opening electricity accounts all over the place, turning lights on and off and not paying for your consumption!"My mouth opened in shock and heard all the things I should be saying in my head but from my mouth came the voice of a whiny teenager " I didn't! I swear it! ". I was told someone would call me back once they'd looked into it.

Two years later and having moved to another property my time with Powergen had been over for 18 months. The relationship had ended but the baggage came with me. Powergen continued for 18 months to refuse our relationship was over and refused to let me leave with dignity. They believed I had multiple electricity relationships with them and they had all found out about each other. I spent evenings of teary phone calls from my electricity company who were begging for me to give them answers and accept that we were something we never were! Eventually Energywatch got involved and I was sent an apology for my treatment. I could finally move on.

And I did. I went straight to British Gas for my electricity and my Gas at my first 3 bedroom property. Confidently I paid my direct debit and then a year later, out of the blue- I couldn't believe it! Look who was coming back into my life! Powergen had started to write to me again. This time for my house. I ignored it and ignored it and paid British Gas every month. Finally after various court notices I spoke to Energy Watch again. By this time 2 years had passed and I was now living in Jersey. Suddenly Energy Watch informed me I was getting a refund from British Gas as Powergen were the ones supplying the property. This couldn't be. How could I continue to be involved? I wanted out of this relationship. I felt as though I was under the spell of the Moonies or some other cult but this was an electricity company! They just kept bringing me back to them. Finally I got my refund and paid Powergen. Suddenly it was over. The end of an era.

Yet British Gas were now starting to get needy. They didn't want to accept that we had never been anything more than just acquaintances! They thought I had a relationship with them. In fact they were charging me for a another house on my road. Having discovered this I was given a swift apology. A few months passed and it started again. My stalker is back! My electricity company wants to be involved with me as I started to get bills again from British Gas- the company who never supplied me with Electricity. Cunningly I changed my correspondence address to my mothers as I feared that I may have a break down if I continued to see an envelope marked British Gas. My mother now rings me and breaks the news of yet another billl for electricity I have never used and for the property across the road from my old house which has the illuminations of blackpool as a replica in their front garden. I however, am looking into solar power for my next property or maybe a wind turbine... whatever it is there has to be a better way!

So British Gas and Powergen if you are listening... it's not you, it's me - IT'S OVER. I'm sorry I've moved on!