You can't bank on it!

I am not from a wealthy family... rich in love not in monetary terms. I should point out that one of my favourite sayings is "champagne dreams, beer money". I love this phrase because it sums up the kind of family we are. We know what we would like to have if we had the money. When we get a sniff of money, a hint that we are even getting some we have it spent in our heads together with any extra overdraft facility that we may get before we even know the figure. Even then there will not be enough money to fulfill the requirements! Once we receive the money within seconds it is spent, dished out and we are in debit before the day is out. Our debts remain the same and will have been added to and somehow we will have a new credit card that has exceeded the maximum.

Banks hate us... to be fair the feeling is mutual. My brother and I are similar personalities. We get a bit of money and share it normally leaving ourselves short. We both live away from our families so we immediately open our flybe/easyjet accounts and start paying for flights for various loved ones to visit us. We may even just give money to each other to pay for something rash or inappropriate. It is not uncommon for us to have a windfall and buy each other a used car, a couple of flights, a holiday even or even more importantly a new laptop. And this maybe... just may be the reason banks don't like us. We are risky customers.

Sure they like it when the money comes in, encourage us to borrow but yet are fickle and unloyal when we reach problems.

After various money transactions my brother and I spend the rest of our time paying each other back. Transferring money by Western Union normally involving the quick transaction of waiting in a long queue on a lunch time knowing that the other needs the money by 2pm, behind various people who are simply using the Bureau De Change. Then comes the hard bit... where will my brother be able to pick it up or send it from. He lives on the border of Southern and Northern Ireland and so you have to guess where he will be. If you guess the South you can guarantee he will ring you from Belfast and inform you that Western Union have no knowledge of the transaction. A quick 2 hour drive with irritated phone calls to mobiles ensues and he arrives just as the Western Union are either starting their training afternoon or are closing for the day. This means he misses his deadline... or I miss mine.

Regardless of this however banks have no sympathy. Our letters detailing payment plans are notorious. Our countless revised offers of these plans are met with little if no sympathy and charges are accrued by payments turning up just 30 seconds too late before that important cheque goes out.

One time my brother had fallen out with Barclays bank. This was due to charges and various other upsets that the bank did not take responsibility for. In a state of fury as I waited for him outside I could hear his raised voice, could feel the foul temper before he left the building and the words echoing through the halls of the bank and out onto the street "That's it! I'm through with your bank- close all my accounts!" I wanted to Rugby tackle him to the floor and gag him with his beautiful louis vuitton man bag.... bit like a folder with a zip that requires him to carry it under his arm like a woman's clutch bag. Instead I just nodded in agreement as he left the bank and started to walk quickly down the road swearing about the bank. And then I watched it... the realisation... the pure horror as the reality of what he had done hit him. I watched him look down at the cheques (personal ones which would take at least 5 days to clear and unfortunately there was at least one bank holiday and a weekend in between!) that he held crumpled up in his clenched fist.... "Oh great, bloody great! I've got no bank account! No one will even give me one now!".

I stepped in with a solution to solve all our problems. I had a spare account at Natwest which I had had since a child. He could use mine as we had the same initials. No problem! Confidently we deposited the cheques into my account and waited for the 8 days to pass before he had the money.... Disaster was averted. We treated ourselves to lunch. We talked about how I would give him the card for the account etc.

After a month or two I had handed my brother my cheque book which I had signed each cheque of so he could send off the cheques without discussing with me and pay his bills. All sounds like it was working doesn't it? Oh you fools! A day came when my brother asked me to go to the bank and see whether a cheque had been deposited. He gave me the cheque book as he did not have the card on him and I confidently strode up to the counter. The lady asked for the bank account details and without thinking I handed over the cheque book. As she flicked through the pages she noticed I had signed every cheque. She looked at me as though I was the biggest idiot she had ever seen. "What are you thinking? Have you signed every cheque?" As the embarrassment crept up my cheeks I snottily replied, "Yes was I not supposed to? It saves time when I'm writing cheques". After a long lecture about the dangers of this I silently cursed the queue who were scoffing behind me. When she thought I was suitably embarrassed she checked my account and discovered that there were charges and an unagreed overdraft. At least one of the cheques we'd deposited had bounced.

I was immediately glared at and asked to get away from the counter to discuss my account with a manager. After a whispered conversation between the woman and the manager I continued to stand tall and confident while my brother poked his head in the branch and mouthed "Y-o-u o-k?".

The manager took me aside and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not managing my account properly and they were closing my account with immediate effect. I was told to hand over the cheque book and return the card in the next 7 days. As I started to rant and rave of the sheer injustice of this all and even convincing myself that I was in fact a wonderful banking customer I was promptly asked to leave the branch before they called security.

As I arrived outside my brother muttered " They closed your account didn't they?" "Yep 'fraid so!". The reality really started to hit when I realised that previously that week I had kicked up a storm in Barclays about my own account and their inability to transfer my loan payment at the designated time (remember I had already spent this at least a week earlier in my head and now they were delaying it!) and had stormed out in a replica scene of my brother stating that "I want my account closed and I'm writing to the Ombudsman".

As we were left debating what we would without bank accounts my brother suggested Alliance & Leicester. We went in for our joint interview and walked out with new accounts and new credit cards. We even got a free (let's call it plasticy) looking wallet each to put our cards into. A few months later I debated why I couldn't sustain a banking relationship when they refused to change my address and so I was not alerted to being overdrawn by £7 and subsequently incurring £230 in charges before they took away my card and my account. My brother lost his banking facilities a week later with them.

The reality is we do have "champagne dreams and beer money" In fact some would say we have Champagne dreams and Pepsi money. The point is we are great at finding money and spending it....we just don't know why the banks have got it in for us!