A picture... sometimes...lies!

Once when I was little my mum said to me "What's wrong with you now face ache?" I should point out that I had been naughty and winding her up all day... she didn't normally speak to me like this but I remember the shock of her saying it! Since then however I love the whole concept... my face aching with moodiness. I suspect most may be traumatised by this but to be honest I've embraced it. Obviously thinking about my face actually aching with pain is a whole different idea and one which I do not care to embrace.

Recently my friend who does photography for a hobbie asked if she could take a few photos of my eye... weird idea I know but I agreed. As she moved the camera on it's tripod so that my eyelashes were touching the lense she snapped away and told me off for not opening my eye wide enough. When claustrophia set in she eventually moved the camera away and chatting happily went on snapping my photo but using my whole face. Irritation was rising and after a minute or two I said I'd had enough. Later that evening she sent me a picture of my whole face (it is the one you see here on my profile) and I looked at it shocked. My skin care routine was so successful. People always were telling me I looked younger than my age and I now realised why! I looked like I had no concerns in the world! My life had been blessed with happiness and a carefree lifestyle or that was the impression that my face cream with collagen had produced. I was thrilled with my wrinkle free face. How had I not noticed before the smooth texture of my youthful skin? I was tempted to forward it to Oil of Olay or Avon and force them for me to become the face of their products.

Minutes later I received an email... "Do you like the photo? I took the wrinkles away from your eyes, changed the colour of your skin tone and whitened your teeth". It occured to me that maybe just maybe I had been conned! I was confused...what an illusion! Or was I deluded? It couldn't be! This was the person I wanted to be not a wrinkled, tired looking 30 year old. She then sent the original photo and showed how she changed it. This was more of a shock then the previous one... the wrinkles were there - in fact I looked exhausted, pasty and like i'd had a hard life! Oh the shame that my life and general grumpiness existed through the smile on my face!

When I went to the Law Society to be admitted as a solicitor - I always find it funny that you are "admitted"... you get "admitted" into mental institutions or hospitals... oh yeh and law! - my whole family attended. My Dad had not turned up to anything else but arrived at this. At the end we decided to have a family photo... first one in probably about 20 years! The hilarious thing about this photo was that my father looked wealthy and proud. His chest was puffed out and pride and self appreciation made him tall and healthy. In the photo this was a man who had made it! The rest of us looked ill, pasty as if the sun had never touched our skin and tormented by life. My neice who is gorgeous looked like what I can only describe as a scrag bag. Forced smiles and an atmosphere of snottiness came through the picture! You know in the eighties english people had that look... think old Eastenders episodes. Everyone is pale and poor looking. Clothes looked market bought and the characters skin looked weathered. Acne was commonplace or if not then scars from previous bouts. A spot was never just a spot it was a boil. People looked slightly grubby and you imagined they might have a kind of musty smell about them. They also looked cold. As if the sunlight never warmed them up and that they always had a cold. You knew that they rubbed their noses on their sleeves rather than tissues. So now you have the picture. We looked like the cast of eastenders surrounded by a wealthy character who was my Dad. He would be the character who buys the Queen Vic and drove a Jag round the square. Not Ian Beale more like David Wicks.... So there you go my family photo was another con... I should point out that we are a clean family so the grubby ill look we had was totally unwarranted!

When I went on a nightmare holiday with a group of 10 girls they insisted we had a group photo done which would then be turned into a calendar. As they giggled with excitement I groaned as they stated it should have the caption the "Norfolk Broads". Things were made worse when the photo that they liked the best had me in it with my mouth open and my eyes shut. I tried to persuade them, argued that I looked terrible etc. Eventually to shut us up the photographer said "don't worry I can superimpose your face from one of the other photos on to this one. It will look great!" I doubted that! However it seemed like the only option that or a full scale war! One of the girls then suggested we had captions coming out of our mouths of the current holiday song which was being played in every holiday bar - "I'm horny, horny horny horny...so horny". I cringed as reality hit that I was a party to this tacky idea! When we later that day went to pick up the "holiday calendar" I wanted to cry! My head was so obviously superimposed on it looked like it was detached from the rest of my body. And of course the only caption on the calendar was coming out of my mouth in a bubble saying "i'm horny, horny, horny, horny!". The horror and the shame was too much to bear. Everyone loved the calendar and for the rest of the year every house I visited there it was - the calendar of horror!

Pictures can lie... my profile picture does... but why not allow it so that I can delude myself and others. I'm guessing you would all by shocked by the reality. The truth is out and it makes me mad... a picture telling a thousand words... hmmm don't think so ... my family don't live in Walford and the only words that picture was stating was this is not a true portrayl. And so the picture is not up in anyone's house.. instead it is ... actually don't know where it is and don't want to!!! I would rather just have the memory for that ocassion! Yes it's annoying that that is the only picture we have of the ocassion but who needs it!