Whatever happens you are not taking my sky dish!

So the morning started as expected... I woke up to the sound of both my mobile phone alarms going off one after the other for a whole hour as I hit snooze on each one. No I am not a drug dealer I am just one of those unfortunate people who for some reason always has a mobile phone contract that she can't get out of... if i'm not spending £300 a month on phone contracts I am either in a coma or dead. Eventually I got out of bed in the usual way... close to tears and whinging. I have never grown out of the thing you do when you are a child where you whinge at your parents as soon as you wake up.

I jumped in the shower already realising that I was going to be late for work and stepped out of the shower onto the wet floor... my shower head has been spraying all over the floor for months now but my landlord has done nothing about it.I left the bathroom with a towel wrapped round me and immediately slipped in the water on the floor. I felt my hip crack out of its socket and felt annoyed that not only was the shower still leaking but that after 3 months I continued to slip every day.

I was out of the house quickly and ran...did i say ran.. i meant walked in a half comatose state to work. I picked up a latte and my trusty banana and walked into the office. I was greeted by numerous head nods and sat down at my desk.... I should point out that I sit next to my manager so she can keep an eye on me, below the air conditioning vent that has pigeons in it cooing all day and below the cctv camera... instinctively I roll up my sleeves... I don't know why but I have a thing about looking dodgy on cctv cameras and I immediately do everything in front of one like a magician proving that I am not sticking post its or envelopes up my jumper. I ran to court in my high heel shoes which squeak when I walk... did i not mention I am the poorest solicitor I know and new look shoes for £15 bought on line are the best I can do. Oh the glamour!I am sweating profusely... I use that word "profusely" as it always makes me laugh.... At the end of court I decide that I will work from home for the rest of the day... this is because I have bronchitis again for the second time in 2 months.. This means I have a constant temperature and have a hacking cough which even irritates me.

I arrive home ready for a quiet afternoon and the front door of my flat is open. As I walk in I spot two young men sitting in my living room.They told me they are here to fix the shutters on my flat.... these have been broken after a big storm 3 or 4 months ago in which waves from the beach....(YES YES I know I do live on the beach but I'll be honest I would rather have sky tv then a view!) or should i say the tsunami type waves were crashing over my balcony and hitting my windows. My mum was staying with me at the time and kept saying we must put our shoes on in case we have to leave the flat.... I remember thinking how ridiculous if I'm caught in a wave fully clothed fighting for my life the last thing i want on is shoes to slow down my swimming!

Anyway I immediately snapped at the work men and told them that I had received no notice of their arrival. I grabbed my phone and rang the agent who said I should have been told. After a ... let's call it ... heated conversation I sat down on my floor near my lap top to start working. The mere presence of these men irritated me and I was waiting for just one thing to push me over the edge. The agent rang... like an answer to a prayer to the saint of moodiness... to inform me that my landlord would also be attending the property today. I complained that I was ill and she informed me that she would ask him to put it off for another day. She then said that he would come on Thursday.... flip out averted.

I leaned over to turn on my tiny tv.... you know the kind you had in your bedroom when you were 14 that immediately lost the front flap and remote so you have to touch the tiny spindly buttons to change the channel. I wanted to put Mtv on to calm my nerves. I looked in confusion as the words " no signal" flashed up on my tiny screen. Irritation rising I glanced out the window and saw that there was no sky dish on the wall... looking down in horror I realised it was on the floor.

I flung open the patio doors and snapped at the men "Put my sky dish back up now". Response -" no can do, cut the wire, management agent don't want sky dishes up anymore!". I could feel it rising ... I couldn't control it and I needed to just go with it! "I've had no notice of this you will have to find a way to put the dish back up now!". at 18 years old this guy looked at me as if I was a crazed lunatic, "don't take it out on us- we are just doing our job- told to take it down." i started to rant and rave about how I paid for my sky dish and they couldn't just remove it... this was met with a smirk. At this point I did the only thing a self respecting lunatic could do and told them to get off my property. They could not complete the job and I wanted them away from my flat. They started to pack up their stuff as I unplugged the various things they had charging at my socket and throw it out the door. I slammed the patio door shut. As I did so I watched ... let's call him "the smirker" reach out to pick up my sky dish to take with him! Like a mother saving her child from falling I knew I had to protect the only thing that now linked me to the life I once had... the life where I had sky tv! I threw opened the door and like a crazed woman with my arms flapping lunged for my rusty barnacle encrusted sky dish shouting the words "whatever happens you are not taking my sky dish!!!" He tugged for a moment or two and then I think he may have realised that I was not someone to be messed with. He put it down and i returned to the flat while they continued to pack away muttering words such as "lunatic, jumped up bitch and who does she think she is" I immediately informed them that the window was open and I could hear everything they said. I told them to get off my property or I would call the police. They left and I rang the agent to rant and rave about sky and how I now had no tv channels. Ok so they didn't steal my kidney but that in some ways would have been easier to cope with... I have a spare one of those!

As I lay down on the floor ready to watch anything I could find on my lap top I started to fall into a deep sleep... I was then awoken by the sounds of 2 men talking on my back porch... Embarrassed to be laying on the floor I did what I think you will agree was the only acceptable thing to do and unashamedly gorped out my window. I could see it was the landlord and another man talking about my flat. I had been told he would not attend.... but why was I suprised. I knew they had seen me lying on the floor and rather than be embarrassed I decided the best option was to moodily close my curtains whilst staring at them as if they were ruining my meditation. They looked shocked and I lay back down in privacy.

Then the child outside started to bounce his ball against the concrete. I woke up thinking that chinese torture was being done on my head by the shutter guys... no it was just some annoying kid who found the ball bouncing comforting. .. I however felt like pushing my head through my patio door purely as a way of showing the world how upset I really am... how irritating life is... and most of all how I'm not afraid to show it.