The "Dolly" Lama

Well I promised I would tell you the reason I found myself in Coventry airport. It is not somewhere I intend to go again but was necessary to get to Birmingham the cheapest way possible. My oldest friend had bought tickets to go and see Dolly Parton.

Now let me just make this clear. We are only 30 - well she is a little older but we are still ultra cool people ok? When I was young I lived in Florida...I really am truly glamorous I know. My parents were 80's dreamers and in a rather crazy way we moved from Bury St Edmunds to Florida when I was three. The relevance of this is purely to explain why I was attending a Dolly Parton concert and not to boast! I loved country music and remember squidging my feet into a pair of cowboy boots and convincing my parents that they fit perfectly despite the fact they were in fact 2 sizes smaller than the rest of my shoes. My Dad also loved country music and when we used to drive around in the car with the windows closed whilst my dad chuffed away on cigarettes filling the car and make us all feel car sick we listened to Anne Murray and Dolly! Oh the abuse I hear you cry! I'm sure it was toxic in the car but we never objected although my mum had a permanent smokers cough despite having never smoked. Although I should also say this was what we were told as she skipped hurriedly passed her honeymoon photo showing her holding a cigarette as though she was filming for a marlboro advert.

When I became friends with this particular girl in high school I kept my "dirty secret" of enjoying Dolly Parton until I had lured her into a solid friendship. Before she could turn her back on me and once I knew plenty of embarrassing things about her which I could use against her. I like to pretend because of Dolly's song "D-i-v-o-r-c-e" I became the lawyer I am but I think it is more likely because I wasn't particularly interested in any of the areas of law I learnt. After my confession of being a country music lover I begged for forgiveness. My friend however shared my fascination and soon became a bigger Dolly fan than I was. And so a few months ago she rang me with the news of the tickets. After spending an alarming £44 on my return ticket to Coventry, I arrived and shared a taxi with a girl who was also luckily going to the train station. I realised my luck was in as she headed for the only taxi outside and I asked if she was going to the station and she said yes. I had no shame when I bundled into the taxi realising I would have to count up my change from the bottom of my bag to try and share the cab fare. As I tried to be polite I tried to engage in small talk about the flight before realising she was actually ignoring me and was in fact on her mobile phone. Relief washed over me as I realised that I didn't have to be polite and I could sit in silence listening to her dragging out her conversation to avoid having to talk to me. It was a dream come true. You know sometimes there is nothing worse than the stilted conversations that you end up having with strangers. She felt that she was better off for not speaking to me but to be honest she was giving me a present of silence.

After arriving in Birmingham and meeting my friend we went to the hotel and got ready for the concert. She happily got a pink cowboy hat out of her bag from the last Dolly concert she went to and told me that it didn't actually fit her head. I however could wear it. My immediate reaction was I would not be wearing this hat! But as I looked at my reflection in the Comfort Inn hotel's mirror I made a mental note to start wearing more hats. Particularly of the cowboy variety!

We got to the concert and took our seats as the sound of an announcement filled the arena stating that we could not take pictures. This annoyed me as let's be honest any pictures we take we are hardly going to make any money out of... not to mention the fact that I had bought a new camera and felt irritated that I would not be allowed to take pictures of this ageing crooner. The steward sat looking at the crowd ready to pounce on anyone that looked that they would be disobeying the rules. He took his job very seriously scanning the crowd for offenders. From what I could make out during the concert he did not accept reoffending. If he had told you once not to take photos you were out of time. One strike you were out! He had authority and he was waiting for one of us to try and test him! The protection of Dolly from pictures had him focused. As the concert started I looked round at the crowd. It was a weird mix with numerous people wearing cowboy hats and acting as if they dressed like that all the time. Men were in levi's, cow boy boots and shoe string ties and women were wearing the obligatory pink dolly hat. However, when Dolly appeared it was like the whole audience was sitting in church. There was not a stir in the crowd. No one sang or clapped. Perhaps they were all scared of the steward who glared every time you even took a sip of your drink in case there was a camera attached to the glass or perhaps Dolly was some sort of saviour to people. Whatever it was these people were serious.

At one point I wondered if the 45 year old man beside me was actually alive as he was so quiet and still. However he really let lose during "nine to five" when I caught him do 3 consequetive taps of his foot. Two men in their twenties were behind us acting as though they were forced there by their parents. However, a couple of times I heard them singing at the tops of their voices and could not contain myself from turning round and glaring at them. Not only because they were not particularly good singers and they were singing loudly into my ear but because they too were "ultra cool" like we were and yet they pretended not to be! My friend was bouncing in and out of her seat with excitement which was making the whole row of seats bounce. I realised Dolly had her work cut out with this crowd!

As she got onto her old hits... the "golden oldies" I decided that I would try my luck at taking a photo. Trembling and excited by my sheer disregard for the rules I got my camera ready and waited until the steward was busy telling someone off behind us and with his back to us. I now suspect that the stewards throughout the arena had a high tech monitoring system of the crowd and quite possibly had tapped into our thought processes as each of us walked through the door of the arena. "Please leave your thoughts at the door and go and take your seat." (Which reminds me of the time my brother told me about yet another one of Richard Branson's new business ventures and I tried to convince my brother that Richard Branson was now buying people's souls).With my thoughts now under the ownership of the stewards and with our steward's senses heightened to those even considering putting Dolly's figure into the frame of a picture I knew immediately I would be caught. However I was determined. As she came into the frame I glanced over at the steward to see him still telling off one of the crowd. My finger pressed down on the button to seal my fate. Within seconds the steward was leaning over the people next to me and in a no nonsense way insisted that I listened to his strong words, "If I catch you again taking a photo you are out and I'm taking your camera off you". I tried to look innocent as I still had the camera in my hand but felt the strength of his wrath. This man had power! I immediately put the camera in my bag and decided to retire from my criminal life and to rehabilitate. I later thought about it and wondered what kind of jurisdiction this man had for taking my possession off me. This was not a weapon of destruction but merely capturing a memory.

It seems to me that when you don't break the rules often you are not very good at breaking rules at all. I was always rubbish at breaking rules! When I wrote on a wall with a pen in my parents room as a child I cunningly wrote my sister's name as a way of taking the heat off me... of course it was obvious my sister was not stupid enough to write her own name on the wall to incriminate herself and so I was immediately convicted of this crime. The rest of the concert was spent under the accusing eyes of the authorities. I felt the shame as everyone else continued to sit quietly and under control. Where was their passion and their drive? Why did they conform so easily and more importantly why did I feel as if I'd let the whole crowd down...."there's always one that breaks the rules and makes the rest of us suffer!"

I felt shunned by the crowd. It appeared that noone would meet my eye and people shook their heads when I tried to make eye contact! The immense disapproval was alarming... but I had my picture. I had broken the rules and I was walking away with one picture. Dolly was captured on film by me but for others she was in their hearts...

When we left the concert I was shocked by the crowds of people waiting for buses or taxis, dressed completely normally and scowling due to people pushing past them and yet everyone of these people looked moody and self righteous but wearing their pink spangly cowboy hats. For one night only these people got on with their normal lives on the way home but under the guise of being Betty Sue, Tammy Jo and Billy Bob. I, however was going home as I came in ... just as Clare.... but now Clare the criminal, the rule breaker, the one who let the crowd down, the one with the past. I imagine I would not be allowed in the fan club now... maybe I'll start my own for other Dolly fans who are outlaws too... maybe she could write a song about it.