Growing old... gracefully! The wrong side of 30!

Oh my god it's my birthday on Monday and I am going to be 31! My twenties feel like a distant memory and I just can't fathom how it all happened. One day I was old enough to be considered an adult; to live on my own, have my own bank account and money (or lack of it!) and spend my overdraft any way I desired! I could build up my own credit card debts and spend money before I earned it. I could wear whatever I wanted - god I could even get a tattoo! (I didn't - got a bit of a problem with needles!) This is probably a stupid thing to say but I never in a million years thought I would be 31! I mean I remember when my parents were in there thirties which means I was old enough when they were in their thirties to have memories of it! And they seemed so old - middle aged and uncool! Actually to be fair they were quite cool at the time but looking back now they weren't that cool at all!

When I was around 18 and I went to university I really felt young but old enough to realise I wasn't really a child anymore... except when I was not well and needed my mum! (To be fair that hasn't changed even at this age!) And then when I got to the age of about 23 I thought this is it I'm an adult. But if i'm honest I really didn't think I would get any older! This was as old as I was going to be. I was always the youngest in my year at school, I was the youngest child, the little sister, my mum's baby so how on earth am I now the wrong side of 30?! There is no way back. I now have 9 more years of being in my thirties and then... I can't even say what comes then but you know what it is! On the eve of my tenth birthday I remember bursting into tears at the thought of the next day being double digits. It took me ages to come to terms with it and this has been a constant battle. All my life I have struggled to accept my age... I seriously don't understand where all the time has gone! I can understand every other person in the world ageing but not myself. I have blond hair so I don't have to contend with going grey but other things are still a concern. I've noticed that my eyes have many more wrinkles, that I can't cope with late nights like I used to and that weight goes on easily but doesn't come off... at all! Yet on the inside I feel exactly the same! Apart from a little more jaded and able to deal with things but apart from that I am the same person I have always been!

So what were my plans when I was younger? What did I expect at this age? The answer is I had no idea because I honestly, honestly never thought I'd be this old! I don't know if I've exceeded my expectations or not and I don't know if I'm doing what I ought to be because who would have thought I'd ever get to this?

When I see kids I love them. I honestly do. They are so much fun and I love their outlook on life yet I don't understand how they will grow up to be my age. The thing is for ages when I saw my niece she used to treat me like I was her age and my sister (her mum) was old. I played with her and encouraged her thoughts on this. It was great! Then it dawned on her when she went to school that I am actually old! I was once walking down to the shop and a young teenager said "out the way the lady wants to get past". I looked behind me assuming that there must be a woman trying to get past me but there was no one there. After a few seconds the realisation hit me! The cheeky kid was talking to me! How dare he? How could he think I was a lady? I immediately stared at him with my best look of death stare and said "I'm not a lady- I'M A GIRL". He snorted and I stomped off with my best youthful flick of my hair!

So as I sit here tonight preparing myself for my last few days of being 30 I realise that I have to put a positive spin on this one! The plan is this... as I get older I will become the grumpy old woman I have always admired! You know the ones who complain about everything and expect to go to the front of the queue by virtue of the fact that they have lived on this earth longer. The ones who can moan about life and the youth of today without really meaning it but enjoying the shock and disdain from the young people around them. The ones who are rude and make you feel immediately like a child when you are with them because they know best... and you are slightly scared of their sharp tongues so you just want to keep quiet in case they decide you are their next victim!

When my Grandad had cancer he was still as chirpy and funny as always but he was also more blunt then he ever was before. He dealt with his illness without complaint and had the war time spirit that you would expect from someone who lived through the 2nd World War. One day someone came to the door selling something or other and asked how my grandad was. My grandad replied "I'm dying. How are you?" To this day I still think how amazing it would be to just say whatever was in your head. Not to hurt people but just because you are comfortable in your own skin and you know your own mind and you are not scared of the world as you have lived in it. For those 70 or 80 years that we live , the world is our world alone. It doesn't belong to anyone else and when you leave it - yes it goes on for those you care about but it ceases to belong to you anymore. So as I approach my 31st year I realise you may as well just be who you are while you live here because this world belongs to you for a limited time and so you have to just grow into it.