The pain of being kicked by a feather

So I have officially met the most annoying couple in the universe today... I was on my way back from Coventry .... another story that I will fill you in on later today. Having arrived at the airport, hot and tired I waited in the ridiculously slow queue to check in on my flight to Jersey. I got the distinct impression this airport was not particularly used to passengers as they had to have 2 people on each desk. One vacant looking girl to look at your passport and print your boarding pass and then a drippy looking boy on each desk who had the very important job of putting the labels on your luggage!I asked for a window seat and glared at them throughout their job... inwardly and I accept probably outwardly sighing as though I was extremely short on time... even though I already knew my flight was in fact delayed and I was early. Although these people working on the desk were particulary annoying they had nothing on the couple that I spotted in the departure lounge...

As I sat down with my packet of crisps and my magazine I saw a girl walk past who immediately irritated my very soul. Let me just tell you how irritating this girl truly was at first glance. She had long blonde, just got out of bed in a very sexy way hair - not like when I get out of bed and I can't even run my fingers through for being so matted - but the kind of hair that my Grandad used to describe as looking sucked. Every hair is separated with lose curls. On girls who have this hair they spend a great deal of time flicking their hair in the faces of people behind them, pulling their hair round to the side to show off their tanned necks and twirling their hair in a kind of Oh i'm so cute way! However this was not the main annoying thing about her. She was my age and wearing white hot pants showing off her beautifully tanned legs which were long and enviable. Even this is not the main annoying thing! She was very aware of how good her legs looked and she "teamed" her shorts (Sorry just love that expression) with a pair of mid calf tan coloured ugg boots. Not the cheap £10 version from new look that I own - oh no the real ugg boots. Even this however was not enough to be irritating to the extreme irritation I feel! She was also wearing a mocha coloured jumper and carrying a beautiful perfectly new but fashionably worn looking prada bag. Out of this bag spilled hello magazine, perfumes and various beauty products. Jealousy you may think but I promise it is so much more than that. She was followed by her boyfriend.

Now let me fill you on this boyfriend... he was wearing expensive looking dark jeans on his relatively short legs. He had a black v neck t shirt that showed his unhairy tanned chest. But even this didn't annoy until I looked up at his hair. He too had wavy, sucked looking dark hair which was probably a style from a top london salon but from the back looked like an old woman's hair do after she has had a blowdry and set. As they stood near the gate before boarding yes I admit I was slightly irritated by their look but nothing could really make me dislike them without knowing them. They flirted and chatted and she spent a lot of time kicking her toned tanned leg onto the chair and pointing at non existant let's say grazes which her boyfriend (let's call him "the bonce") would then look at and rub. As we were called to board I was a little relieved that they were no longer in my sight. If people annoy me even slightly I develop a sick fascination with them. I stare, I watch, I take in every detail. I'll even move closer if I have to to gain some more insight into them so that I can be even more irritated.

When I got on the plane I looked for my "window" seat. When I arrived at 10F (my seat) who should be sitting in the seat but the bonce next to his girlfriend. I immediately said " oh sorry I think you are sitting in my seat". To which the bonce replied "oh it doesn't really matter does it?"As I fumed in my head... "well yes it does actually I asked for a window seat"... I replied "well it's my seat". "Yeh but there's no point us moving now is there? We're settled." I should point out she was already pushing up the armrest between them and lying on his lap!

I sat down in a huff next to this couple and she eventually sat up for take off and insisted on having her legs crossed so they touched mine and flicked quickly through hello magazine with her perfect finger nails. As she flicked her hair into my face and flicked the magazine pages over my magazine in my lap I wondered how hatred really starts to form.

I closed my eyes to ignore the couple as they hogged the window so I couldn't see out past their obnoxious hair styles. As we headed towards jersey the air stewardess brought round the duty free. As they approached I got some money out to buy something. I could hear them saying that there was only one bottle of the perfume i wanted left to each other. I turned to the girl for god knows what reason and said "did she say there was only one bottle of chanel left? " She nodded. As the duty free approached us the air stewardess looked at me and said "can I get you anything" to which the sucked hair girl replied whilst actually clicking her fingers "yes could i have your last bottle of chanel please". She was passed this and took it in front of my face whilst ordering 6 bottles of spirits for her and the bonce. I sighed loudly at the injustice of this and wanted to rip the perfume out of her hands. Instead I put my money away and told the airstewardess I did not want anything. As I sat back in my seat the girl lent forward to put her chanel in her prada bag and her ugg boot kicked me to which she promptly said insincerely "Oh i'm so sorry darlin!" Now of all the things for her to be sorry about the soft ugg boot kick was not the one! She could have been sorry for buying my perfume, letting her boyfriend nick my seat, hogging the window or just generally making her legs the main focus of the flight... but oh no! She was really sorry for kicking me with her soft, furry ugg boot... almost like kicking me with a feather. OW!

By the time we landed I could barely contain my annoyance as I scowled every time either of the couple breathed. When the seat belt signs went off she insisted on jumping up to get her other bag from the over head compartment which involved me standing up without even an excuse me from her and she promptly got her bag down, swung her hair in my face and then swung the prada bag over her shoulder catching my lip on the edge of it. No apology necessary.... remember she has already apologised for kicking me with her super soft ugg boot!

And so I got off the plane and went to get my baggage and the couple were across from me... I watched her splaying her legs all over the place as he kept kissing her head and every few minutes they would wave frantically at a person waiting for them through the doors. I found the sick fascination of their annoying beings taking over once again. Of course, their louis vuitton bag arrived before my tiny primark hold all arrived which intensified my feelings.

Now I don't know if I am jealous of the nice things they had, the tanned toned legs she displayed or if I just felt an immense overpowering irritation for this couple... all i do know is that by the time I returned home I was still feeling the irritation and wondered how two people with such big hair ever found each other... despite it all I suspect they were a perfect match. I however, hope I never see them again in this lifetime!