Love, relationships and the heart break diet!

As I am a family lawyer I spend a lot of time listening to people's relationship problems. Within a few months of doing this job I realised that everyone's relationships are different and what we are all striving for is the same thing... to be able to be with someone who will not let us down but will also support us in everything we do. Along with that however are the expectations of relationships from films and tv. We see celebrities walking hand in hand in blissful love within a few days of meeting each other and our view of what real love is meant to be is immediately distorted.

We are told that we are supposed to be constantly in lust with each other, never argue and if we do end the argument surrounded by broken plates we should find ourselves in each others arms once again realising the importance of our love. The reality however is very different. If you have got to the stage of broken plates it will take weeks to get over. One or both of you will resent each other for letting it get to that stage and one or both of you will resent the other for making you give in! It was an important point you were making... certainly important enough for you to lose your mind over... I mean in what other circumstances would someone irritate you so much that you would consider breaking china?...and yet an hour later you have apologised and told your loved one that you were just being silly after all! Unless of course you have got to the stage where you actually know in your mind that you are in the wrong and probably should have not let it get out of control but you can't seriously back down now without looking like a freak so it is likely you are just going to have to stick with it till the other person can take no more of your stupidity and will just accept it.

When client's come into my office there are 4 types of people I see; the angry hurt ones, the devastated ones who can't eat or sleep, the ones who have moved on and are already having a baby with their new partner who happens to be their old partner's best friend and finally and perhaps the scariest type of all...the ones who have lost all sense of rational. These people are normally very sane and capable human beings who have lived their lives without so much as an embarrassing moment but faced with the reality of heart break and rejection become the opposite of their former selves. As the months go on you watch as they start their own healing process which normally starts with hoping that their ex will come back even though they haven't even looked behind them. It continues with hatred and paranoia. Their ex is sleeping with everyone and even their lawyer (me) is probably on the side of their ex! Followed by an intense case of lunacy. It starts with the lawyer of the ex writing to me and telling me to ask my client to stop text messaging their client. Followed by the next letter accusing your client of shouting abuse in the street which then escalates to the client sending tempting sexual text messages to lure the ex back into their arms and away from the new partner to finally being told that the lawyer for the other side will be issuing an injunction to keep my client away as they have tried to run their ex and new partner down in the street in her renault megane or have sent a dead snake through the letter box.

The question is what brings us all to this level of stupidity in matters of the heart? How is it that a relationship failing with one person in our lives can makes us feel that the world has ended and that someone is standing on our chest and stopping us from breathing? How can our brains which functioned normally when we were together with that person end up filled with thoughts of that person as soon as they leave? And WHY on earth can we manage to live on nothing but fresh air when we are heart broken but when we are happy in relationships find it impossible not to scoff our faces with donuts or crisps? The heartbreak diet remains a mystery to me... why when we are so unhappy does the one thing that we have always wanted happen...? We get thin! And why does it happen when we can't enjoy it? As we try and force ourselves to swallow food to stop ourselves from feeling nauteous why is it all such an effort when a few weeks earlier we were eating non stop and watching our increasing waist lines unable to control our gluttony!? My thinnest times are always my saddest and yet when I am relatively happy I am striving to be thin... oh one of the great ironies of life?

The other great mystery of heart break is how are we not totally dehydrated from our tears? Where do they all come from as our grief stricken bodies curl up regularly throughout the day to cry as though we are in physical pain? And also why does it feel like physical pain which is totally unbearable and for which the only relief is sleep? When you finally do get to sleep from pure exhaustion of no food, energy wasted on plans to get the partner back or get revenge on them and all those tears you then find yourself waking up early having only managed about 2 hours sleep whilst you dream of your ex.

At the start of any break up you watch your client change as sanity disappears and bitterness or depression sets in. Believe me as people go I have an amazing ability to sympathise with people... I immediately take my client's side and believe all they tell me. But in their bid to rid themselves of blame for the break up they sell themselves as perfect people which I soon realise they are not. We are all capable of hurting our partners but the reality is that most of the time people it seems to me just forget to concentrate on their relationships. When we first meet someone the early days are filled with thoughts of that person and the relationship. As everyday life kicks in and you realise the person you have been with has lots of faults and possibly is not nice all the time and has smelly feet or gets unattractive spots on their bum from time to time you realise that they are not as perfect as you thought they were in the early days. For most people these days this realisation leads to discontentment followed by pure resentment and dislike. It is only when the relationship breaks down that they think hmmm maybe they were lovely after all.... maybe I didn't realise it all till it's too late. Before you know it you are back to stage one where you are thinking of them all the time and wondering where it all went wrong. Unfortunately the other person is normally relieved to be away from all the criticism and is in the grips of someone else who is thinking of them all the time....love and relationships are complicated things!

The good thing about my job is that you see people at their worst. I don't mean I like seeing people in pain but it is interesting to watch the human condition and realise that on a basic level we are all the same. You watch them as they crumble and take it all out on you... and this is when you really know you are doing your job! I often say to client's if you feel like ranting and raving call me and tell me I'm to blame rather than sending a package of dog poo through the post and being arrested for it. I don't take it personally. I have had client's hang up on me and call me every name under the sun. But when the divorce is over and the finances are sorted and the person has moved on normally realising that their ex was wrong for them after all you see them in the street and they look completely sane again. They are no longer brandishing their mobile phones ready to text 67 messages to their ex partner imploring them to return and followed by abusive texts about their mother when they get no response. They are getting on with their lives as though nothing has happened and for them maybe life will always be different and they will always have a sense that people will let them down but for the majority of them life goes on with a semblance of normality. I on the other hand may listen for months to their moaning and grievances and memories of their gymnastic style sex life with an understanding look on my face whilst thinking not only have I heard this all before but nothing shocks me and sometimes wondering do they ever leave my office and think hmmm I wonder how Clare is? She looks a bit tired or sad.... because no to them I could be a stuffed toy gorilla sitting in a chair nodding and consoling them... it really wouldn't matter! They just need me to be on their side and if they think I may be wavering in loyalty they need me as the person they can take their frustration out on! Break ups hurt but they are a reality of life... you can lose your sanity and make a fool of yourself every day during it but no one will judge you because we have all been there and we could all be back there at any time!